I am home, I am free

I was anxious every day. Anxious logging onto work, anxious working, anxious after I logged off. Anxious on the weekends. So, I thought wow, I have to quit my job. Quit that. Still anxious. Oh, I need a perfect body, that’s the problem with me. I should just make my body fitter all so I could be rid of anxiety. I went down years of food/body image obsession thinking. Did that. Still anxious. I was always searching for the cause of why I was feeling the way I felt. I constantly thought about decorating my house, upgrading it, do my laundry, finish all my work, cooking dinner and ahead, work on my inner healing. I thought oh I know, this is it. Nope, still anxious. OH, I’ll work on my inner child. Get my nervous system regulated. Did that. Still anxiety came back. Nothing worked, long term. This was until I found a book called A Little Peace of Mind. All my anxiety left me. I felt whole, calm, clear, happy, I felt at peace in a way I never felt before. I saw how our brains work. How ‘my anxiety’ is a habit of thought. It wasn’t from my body, or work, or laundry or when/if I’ll get pregnant, food, my unhealed inner child, my unregulated nervous system. All my brain’s favorite topics to loop around and scare me. The source of all my anxiety was coming from me. Me and my thinking. I would think/overthink constantly. Especially about the topics of work, my house, and my body and having children. This is what minds do, they think. Until I learned and deeply understood I am well. The real me, the observer of my thoughts is well. Nothing can touch ME. My relationship to my rotating thoughts started to change. I started to watch them when I could catch the familiar one which came when I opened my eyes. I’m so anxious. The familiar loop…I’m so anxious…maybe I should stay in bed, how many meetings do I have today, ugh did I make the coffee, here comes my son, is it 6am? Should I go to the gym….then the symptoms of a busy mind crept in…racing heart, agitation, sweating, MORE THOUGHT about how annoyed I am... and I’d leap out of bed to coffee to fix my anxiety. My entire day felt ruined by the start of my thought cycles that I listened to. I was so afraid of my thinking. Today, I still feel anxiety here and there but return to a ‘A Place of Peace’ as I remember I don't have to participate. Yes, things in my life changed over time as a natural progression but nothing really changed. But everything inside of me feels different. I am home.